My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.