My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.