My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The USS B port
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!