My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what