My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
