My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Goat cheese is for herders.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
For real 🤣
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳