My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
why am I working on Labor Day
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.