My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
That’s easy for you to say
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”