Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!