Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?

Me: No.

H: Who did then?

Me: Ninjas.

H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.

Me: They’re very good ninjas.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

My new favorite headline

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.