My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.