My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
2022 will be better than 2021
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”