My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
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Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out