Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Very problematic

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant