My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.