My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky