My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
You Might Also Like
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there