Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper