My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Every time.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Oops 🤭
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.