My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.