My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.