My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*pronounces patio like ratio
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.