Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.