My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
No. YOU-buprofen.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
me refusing to leave twitter
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.