Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here