My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
BETRAYAL
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.