Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

When you kidnap a writer.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi