My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Lmao 😁
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me when I hear gossip
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
our love story in four pictures
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor