My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”