My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?