my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
yeah not falling for this one
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.