My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Please vote for people who are attractive
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office