Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

A roof is a house hat.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.