My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.