My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.