Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

lol

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

🐟✨ #re4

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.