Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??