Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it