Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Education is vital

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

BRAKING NEWS!!

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.