My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
We need to put an American base on the sun
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.