Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

That’s what I call a flat tire

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.