Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.