Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!