My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
wait a minute….
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Ferrari squats
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I falcon love using swear birds
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff