My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.


bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article


Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…


Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.


I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.


One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.


So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.


Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife


Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.