My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”