@ChaseMit

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

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@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

@atstephenbell

bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, i don’t need to read your science article

@TeejayRush

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.

@bmarked21

So the suicide hotline is only for prevention and not for nominating people who should kill themselves. Sucks. I made a list and everything.

@WheelTod

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

@TattleTSister

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.