Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Guy who likes music

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.