My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots