My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people