They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.