Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My girlfriend’s husband is cheating on her. She is really upset.
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Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.
Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.