My girlfriend’s husband is cheating on her. She is really upset.

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Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?


Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.


Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?


“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”



ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here


I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.


[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?


“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]


Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat


Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.