Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

wtf is an acronym

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.