Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

#TopTip

My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me