Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]