Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what