my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
You Might Also Like
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.