my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
You Might Also Like
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES