my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955