My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I can’t stop laughing at this
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.