Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

When ur friends with white people

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.