Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

#winning

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

yeah not falling for this one

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”