My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
This 4th of July, please remember…
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.