Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)

Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

I saw nothing

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.