My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.