Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Chicago sounds lovely.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared