My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Cheer up.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.