Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

🐿️

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.