Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

That’s classic.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.