Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE