My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
cry laughing at this shit
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.