ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: “what do you fill the pillows with?”
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] “just stuff”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”