General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.