My goal is to be a troll as great as this guy one day

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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.


If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”


I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.


Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.


FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30


Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.


[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: “what do you fill the pillows with?”
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] “just stuff”


“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad


“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”