bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild