@Pure_Nonsense

My goal is to be a troll as great as this guy one day

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@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@seamussaid

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

@jellybnbonanza

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.