My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
thinking about this
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
this is literally a CIA plant
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t