My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“