My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Goodnight 🐶
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
