My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon