My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When he asks for feet pics
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid