My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
*puts my mental health in rice
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand