My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Look, a pure bread cat!
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.